Reflections on a road called life.....

Champions League Final 2007

2007-05-26T02:12:00.000+08:00

Can God and football ever mix ? Can they come hand-in-hand ?

A picture of an AC Milan player in today's Star paper caught my attention......

Need I say more ???

AC Milan - 2 , Liverpool - 1

GOD - Glorified !!!

I wonder who was the real winner on that night ?

Who says our relationship with God, and football cannot be combined together ?

Who says God needs to be left out of football ?

Who says God can't be glorified even through such a sport ?

It's sad, that too often many of us leave God out of the things we enjoy doing, for instance playing football. We think of it as just a game..... This guy here has more in mind... To him, its more then a game.... He allowed God to be a part of him.... He allowed God to be a part of his game...

But why is it so many guys out there, leave God completly out ? Why is it so many of us are so into the game, that we leave no room and space for God to even be a part of it ? Why is it that many guys out there would even go towards such an extent to place football over God ?

I guess we all have something to learn from this guy......

To forgive and to forget............

2007-05-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

" I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly. Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father. " Genesis 50 : 17

" Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. " Matthew 6 : 12

" For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. " Matthew 6 : 14 - 15

" Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven, " Matthew 18 : 21 - 22

Lord teach me to forgive.....

Again, and again, and again, and again ....................

Amen

Exit Checklist.......

2007-05-22T21:14:00.000+08:00

Got this in my e-mail this evening :

Dear Nigel Evan Rode,

Your resignation has been approved and forwarded to APSSC HR team. This is to confirm that your official last day with Accenture is June 22, 2007.

We would like to advise that your resignation has been accepted, with confirmation of the following:

· Your last physical day: June 22, 2007.
· Your last official day: June 22, 2007.
· Any balance in vacation hours to be encashed.

Upon your resignation, I would like to re-emphasise that you have the responsibility to continue to preserve as confidential all trade secrets and confidential knowledge, data or other proprietary information entrusted to you or to which you were otherwise exposed.

I guess there is no turning back now eh..........

The end of one chapter..... The beginning of another.......

Here we go.........................

Moving on.........

2007-05-18T21:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, its just plain hard to make choices and decisions. Especially life changing ones. Especially making choices and decisions that would affect almost everything and everyperson around. It's just plain hard.......

Today, I made one of those kind of decisions. I made a choice ! I know it is going to affect me a lot, or maybe change my whole life upside down. I know it is going to affect the people around me as well. It took me a while before I could finally make up my mind. But I guess I had to make this decision. I had to make this choice.....

After 6 months of working with my company, today, I resigned from Accenture....

It was not an easy moment as I sat down with my boss with my resignation letter in my hand. Over the past few days, much has been in my mind. Am I doing the right thing ? Am I heading in the right direction ? What if I am making a mistake ? What if this is the wrong move ? What if I made the wrong choice ?

By resigning, I am probaly going to say goodbye to Accenture for good. No turning back. Accenture is not an easy company to get into. This was probaly one of my chances in making it big time. Being in a multinational, global consulting firm, I could have gainned a lot of experiance, and also benefited a lot. Am I making a mistake by resigning ?

After much thought and prayer, I did decide to eventually tender in my resignation. The hardest part was not so much of passing the letter to my boss, but the hardest part was breaking the news to my colleagues, whom have become such great friends in my workplace. It was really difficult for me to break the news. I know many were shocked to hear. Some of them don't even know yet. I still find it hard to break the news to them.

Immediatly after I tendered in my resignation, there was this overwealming sense of sadness in me. In a months time, Iwould no longer be a part of this community. In a months time, I would no longer work with these bunch of people whom I call my friends. In a months time, I would be moving on...........

But yet, with all these emotions going on in me, I also look forward to moving on. It took me 6 months working in Accenture to finally make me realize what I am really passionate about. It took me 6 months to realize what I was shapped to be. It took me 6 months to realize that all this while, have been running away from my true calling. It took me 6 months to realize that where I am heading to is where I am meant to be.

I have always been passionate about this area that I am heading to. It was always my dream to one day move into this area. However, my hopes and dreams were dashed when I did not get accepted into what I wanted to move into last year. I thought that maybe it was just a dream that was not meant to be. And I soon slowly began to let go of this passion and dream. But these past 6 months in Accenture have showed me that the passion and the dream is stronger then ever. It is much alive in me and I cannot run away from it.... And the longer I work with this company, the more I lie to myself that this is currently the life that I want, and the life that I enjoy. The truth was that this job was slowly killing me on the inside, because it did not allow me to be my real self.

And so, I made a choice...... I made a desicion...... It's time to move on..... It's time to stop lying to myself and start moving in the direction that God has been leading me all this while...... It's time to move in the direction that God has shapped me to be, and move in the direction that God has called me to be in......

I must admit, I still have a lot of questions. But I know these questions will remain unanswered.
This was another hard choice and decision for me to make. And if resigning was hard enough, making this choice and desicion was even harder, as it would affect not only my life, but the people around me and my future as well. But somehow, I know I have been running away from this for some time, and its now time to face my true calling.....

And so I choose to move on..... With the very small amount of faith that I have at the moment, I choose to move on....... As to where I am moving on to, and what I will be doing after leaving Accenture, for those who know me long enough, would sort of know by now what I am talking about. And I'm pretty much sure many of you saw this coming, especially for those of you know know me very closely and well....... What am I talking about ????

TEACHING :)

From July onwards, my passion for youths and young people combined with my passion for teaching, will come alive in me..........

I got a job in Sekolah Menengah Sri Sempurna............

Are those cob-webs that I see ???

2007-05-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

Yes ! I am still around. Not to worry..... And No ! I did not stop blogging due to my last post on February 14 last year......

Much has happened since I last blogged... I graduated, went back on Doulos, found a job working with a multinational consulting company (Accenture Solutions).... I have realized that I have lost so much by not blogging over the past year or so.

So here am I once again. This time round, I'll try to blog as often as I can. I want this to be a place where I can pen down my reflections, a place where I can run to with my thoughts, and a place where I can hide when I need to...... I don't want to lose anymore of my memories. I want it all recorded, penned down, written out !

Why now ? Why did I decide to revive my blog now ?..... Well because over the next one week, I will probaly be going through some major changes in my life. There are some desicions that I am about to make, that may change my life forever (And again, No ! It has nothing to do with the last blog post). As the days go by, I will blog more......

So this is my journey..... A journey on a road called life......

If only.......

2006-02-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

If only you know how much I really like you...........

If only you know how much I care........

If only you know how long I have been feeling this way........

The more I try not to, the more I find myself feeling this way.......

But then,

If only I know what you think of me......

If only I know if you feel the same.....

...... I guess some of my friends are right. I'm just to plain scared to find out. And probaly too scared to get hurt again. Sigh......

Why does all this have to be so complicating ?

Chinese New Year

2006-02-02T00:44:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year this year for me was a real blast. Allthough I am only half-Chinese, I think I celebrated it more than some of my Chinese friends that I have. Let me explain what I mean..... I really enjoy the Chinese New Year celebrations. Not so much because of the food and the ang-pows, but more because I get to spend 3 full days with my family (my mum's side). You see, when my family celebrates Chinese New Year, we celebrate it BIG ! It all starts with the reunion dinner on the eve. This year, we had about 12 dishes, all the normal Chinese New Year dishes. There was so much food, that the extra's lasted my family till yesterday. The eve reunion was great. I meet up with all of my aunties and uncles, together with my cousins. During dinner, it was great catching up with all my cousins and sitting down and talking and laughing about how we as little kids use to celebrate Chinese New Year back in Malacca. There was so much joy and laughter in the house, that it was like last Christmas all over again. Most houses around us were very quiet, and it was very noticable that we were the loudest. But never the less, we still continued to make a whole lot of noise.

This year's reunion dinner was slightly different and special in a way for my entire family. Through the use of Skype, my relatives from Australia and America were able to 'join' us for our reunion dinner. Through the use of the webcam, my relatives were able to see what food we were eating, and throughout dinner, they too would be able to join us in our conversations. Though confusing at many times as to who is talking to who, but it was really great. I think the person that was visibly amazed was none other than my grandmother (she kept on talking to the computer monitor instead of looking at the webcam) Truly, this was a family reunion, although part of it was virtual. It was great that everyone was present (both physically and virtually) for the eve reunion. The reward for the day was to see my grandmother smilling and being so cheerful and happy that all of her children were able to be at the reunion (and she didn't even mind if some of them were only on the computer screen). To her, everyone was present.

The first day of Chinese New Year was a rather long day for my family. In the later part of the morning, all of us went to my Aunty's place to see my grandparents and to have brunch. Now this is where the ang-pows come in....hehehehe...... but like I said, its not so much of the ang-pows for me, it was more of being with family. After brunch, my cousins and I had to go and collect the yee-sang for the nights dinner. Ever since a couple of years back, the grandchildren in my family would take a portion of their ang-pows to buy the yee-sang for our grandparents. And we only buy the best for them. This year's yee-sang was quite costly, as it had salmon, jelly-fish and it was for 25 people. But never the less, it has always been a joy of all of us, as grandchildren, to buy things for our grandparents. Just to see them smile and happy, is more than enough for all of us, and you can't put a price to that at all.

Later that night, it was steamboat dinner. I truly enjoy the steamboat because we are able to sit and talk while we waited for the food to get cooked. Can you imagine, our dinner that night ended way past mid-night. My cousin and I won the title of the last 2 to leave the table (as always !) This year, we also celebrated my Uncle's birthday and had cake for dessert.

The next day, before most of my relatives left to go back home, we all meet again for lunch. One last meal together as a family before everyone leaves. Guess what we had for lunch ? Bee-hoon soup ! I'm pretty sure you all would know where the ingrediants all came from ?

And so Chinese New Year this year was a real blast. When it comes to family, my family knows what it's all about and what family truly means. It saddens me to see so many younger generation these days do not know how to appreciate the true meaning of being one as a family. It saddens me to see that a lot of young people have forgotten the values, traditions, and culture that has been so richly passed on from generation to generation. I fear that in time to come, as one generation passes, and another takes over, all of this values, traditions and cultures would be gone. But one thing is for sure. I am really thankful and grateful for everything that has been passed on to me from my mum's side of the family. One thing that I really admire in the Chinese is their respect for the elders and the importance of family. Another thing I really appreciate is the rich values, culture, and traditions which have been passed down in my family. And allthough many out there in my generation choose not to bother, I have promised myself that I will always take these things which have been passed on to me, and pass it on to my children and grandchildren.

I end with a line taken from the movie Lilo & Stitch, and I guess it sums up my Chinese New Year..." OHANA means family. And family means nobody get's left behind ".... It is my sincere hope and my prayer, that this generation of mine, would truly apreciate their family, and come to realize that family's are important to all of us, because they are one of God's gifts to all of us. We may be able to change our friends, but certainlly not our families. We cannot trade any of them, nor put a value or price on them. Family's are priceless.

Gong Xi Fa Chai !

When ministry seems worthless......

2006-02-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why do I even care ? Why do I even want to spend all my time with these bunch of people ? Who am I talking about, you ask ? I'm talking about youths ! Young people !

Why must this generation of mine be so self-centered ? Why must they only think about themselves and no one else ? Why must they be so stupid at times ? Why oh why ?

I really don't understand youths these days. What is wrong with this generation of mine. As I look back, I feel that I have wasted all my time ministring to youths and young people. When God called me into Youth Ministry and into the ministry of people, and gave me a heart for youths, I never asked for all that I see now. I never asked for let downs and dissapointments.

Don't get me wrong. I know and understand that in any ministry, there is bound to be ups and downs. There is sure bound to be dissapointments and being let down. But ever since I have been in Youth Ministry, it has been nothing but let downs and dissapointments. I have come to a conclusion that Youth Ministy is full of dissapointments. I am beggining to be at that stage whereby I feel that its totally worthless to be in Youth Ministry at all.

I mean, why do I even bother, when these people themselves don't seem to bother about anything other than themselves ? I try, and try and try, and all these people do are make empty promises, and then they just go back to their old, self-seeking, self-centred self.

Let me give you some examples. In the past week, I have seen so much, heard so much and found out so much about the people around me, and not one of these things were good at all. I had to hear from a father, who found out just before Chinese New Year, that his son had been on drugs for the past year. I had to hear, of a mum, who hardly sees her son any longer, and does not even know what the son is doing, and what the son is up to. I had to see, so many of my Christian friends, choose friends over family, and not celebrate Chinese New Year with their family, but rather choose to celebrate with friends. I had to hear, of a mum, whose son drove all the way to Ipoh to drop her at her family reunion, only then to drive back to KL, because reunions according to him, were too boring. I had to find out, that some of my closes friends, choose to usher in the Chinese New Year, playing snooker, rather than being with their non-Christian family. I had to hear, of young Christian church leaders, visiting their other church members house during Chinese New Year, only to start gambling, furthermore, using Chinese New Year as an excuse that it is all right to gamble. I had to find out that a friend of mine is probaly sleeping around with his girlfriend, and this came from his parents.

Enough is enough for me. I don't think I can take this any longer. The above is only a fraction of what has been happening over the past week. And mind you, I know every single person in the above situation. To make it more dissapointing, all the above are Christians. From close friends, to friends, to fellow church members, to people I mentor and minister to. I just can't take this any longer. I so want to just throw the towel in and call it a day.

What is wrong with this generation of mine ? Why are they so self-centered ? Why do they only think of themselves and no one else ? What happened to God's values ? Family principles ? Culture and tradition ? Biblical principles ? Where have they all gone ? Down the drain ?

How I wish I could not care at all. How I wish I could not bother about this generation of mine and just choose to focus on me and my own relationship with God. How nice if it would be just between me and God, and no one else.

Why do I even bother at all ? At this point of time, ministry seems so worthless..........

Sweeeeet Freeeedom

2006-01-12T13:23:00.000+08:00

Ah ! The taste of freedom......... One whole month of holidays ! Don't worry. I'm still around. Just finished my final paper for this semester. It has been a very buzy semester. Industrial Training Report. Thesis submission. 2 final year subjects. It's all over now. Going to take a few days of rest......

More blogging and reflections to come...............

All I want for Christmas.......

2005-12-29T22:17:00.000+08:00

I couldn't have asked for more this Christmas. I got everything I wanted. And no ! I'm not talking about the gifts, presents and cards. Of course, all of the cards and presents were nice to receive, but this year, I was not really much bothered about them. This was the first year where I only opened up my Christmas presents late Christmas night, after everything had ended. I wasn't very much excited about them.

It was something else that really touched me this Christmas. Something way much better than any of the presents I received. Something which cannot even be compared to any of the presents I received.

Christmas, for my family, started off with the normal traditional Anglican service during the night of Christmas eve. Every year, we make it a point to go back for the Christmas eve service. In all of our buzyness preparing for Christmas, we often forget what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. Many people enjoy ushering Christmas in a noisy and jovial manner. I on the other hand, am totally the opposite. I really enjoy the Christmas eve service every year, as it ushers Christmas in full reverence and awe of God's gift to all of us. I enjoy ushering Christmas focusing my attention on God. What I enjoy the most is the silence and the reflective mode of the service. To me, it brings a whole new meaning to the words of "Silent night, Holy night, All is calm, All is bright". What I also enjoy is the way the Anglican's choose to usher in Christmas. Holy Communion right at the stroke of midnight. I find it a really good way to start off Christmas. By focusing on God, and His perfect gift to mankind.

But this year's Christmas eve service was different. Not only different, but also very special. Special for me because I got to usher in Christmas with not only my family, but also 2 of my closes friends, Darryl and Benjamin. At one point of the service, I looked at my right hand side, and there were my 2 friends. I looked on my left, and there was my family. At that point, tears almost came down from my eyes. Celebrating and ushering Christmas together with my family and 2 of my closes friends really meant a lot to me. It was not only a time of celebration, but also a time of thanksgiving. Christmas has always been a very special time for me. It's a time where I look back and thank God for His many blessings upon my life. And this year, I find myself thanking God for the friendships that I have, in especially with Darryl and Benjamin.

But it did not end there for me. Later that day, during Christmas night, we had our annual family Christmas barbeque. This year, it was even more special. My relatives came down from Singapore. My parents invited some of their church members who could not go back for Christmas (they were from the US). My sister and I also invited some of our friends who would not get a chance to celebrate Christmas. The atmosphere was just full of fun and laughter. I think we must have kept our neighbours awake all the way till midnight. We were just so noisy. At one point during dinner, it was my turn to be at the barbeque pit. Darryl joined me outside (which was probaly the biggest mistake, since we talked more then we looked after the food, which a majority of it came out burnt !)I remember at one point during this time I was outside, the noise inside of the house was really loud. There was so much laughter. But what struck me was who was laughing the loudest. It was my grandmother. My grandmother seldom laughs. Even if she does, it would not be for long. But this time round, she was the loudest. I remember turning around to Darryl and told him " that is one of the best Christmas presents I can receive". To hear my grandmother laughing. It just fills me with so much joy to see her laugh. You see, my grandmother accepted Christ this year. So this makes her Christmas a very special one. And I'm sure she noticed that there was a difference. I certainlly did.

And so, I couldn't have asked for anything more this Christmas. I've got God, I've got family, and I've got great friends ! What else is there, that is missing ?

Have a Blessed Christmas and a Fruitful New Year.

Medal of the White Rose 1st Class with Gold Cross

2005-12-15T20:38:00.000+08:00

Indescribable, remarkable, more than we can ever ask or imagine. That's all I can say at this moment. When God chooses to bless His people, He blesses us in all kinds of ways. It does not have to be monetary, or materialistic ways. Most of the time, God's blessings are poured out to us in small but yet significant ways. But sometimes, God has surprises in store for each and every one of us. And when God chooses to bless in this way, we are left seeing God in a whole new dimension, in a whole new way. We are left in awe at the way God really cares for us, and that the way He chooses to bless His people. We see God's greatness !

Today, my family receive a very pleasant surprise. My mum received an award from the President of Finland. Not just any award, but the highest award than can be accorded to a Finish citizen. Her office kept the news from her until today. She was given the award at a tea party/ceremony hosted by the Embassador of Finland. The tea party was to celebrate my mum's 25th year working at the embassy. But what my family did not know was that it was also to be an award ceremony for my mum.

The Ambassador then proceded to read out a citation, followed by a short note from the President of Finland. Then came the surprise of the award. It was truly a surprise for her. Who would have known ? I guess the last thing on her mind, was to receive such an award.

And so I give thanks to God. Truly, He is remarkable. He is amazing. Beyond description, beyond words. Talk about an interesting Christmas present !

Proud of you mummy !

Where is God when it hurts ?

2005-12-07T13:02:00.000+08:00

I feel so betrayed. I feel so used. I feel like such an idiot. How could my friend do this to me ? How could he lie behind my back all this while ? How could he ?

The pain is so deep, the hurt is so strong. I cannot even begin to describe how hurt I am and and painful it is.

How could you do this to me ? After so long as friends, how could you lie in front of my face ? Not once, not twice, but many times. Don't you trust me ? I trsuted you so much. Is this how you repay friendship ?

I'm already on the verge of giving up on this whole idea of friendship. Maybe, there isn't such a thing as true friendship out there. I'm beginning to really wonder. Are friends truly a blessing from God, or they merely a burden ?

I know that all of us are merely human. None of us are perfect. The only perfect friend one could find is in God and God alone. All of us are imperfect. People do make mistakes. But why did he have to lie to me ? Why did he have to hide from me ? It really hurts.

Maybe I am over reacting. I myself am not perfect.I felt so guilty after blasting him on the phone last night. I couldn't help it. I was just to shocked to find out what has been happening all this while behind my back. And me questioning him only to find that it was all true, it was as though I Was stabbed deep into my heart. So maybe I am over reacting. I understand that what he was going through over the past couple of months was very difficult to talk about. I don't blame him for hiding and lying. He mentioned to me last night in our conversation, that many times he tried talking to me over this entire issue, but he was just to scared to even begin. BUt in hiding, he fell deeper and deeper. He began to hide not only from his friends, but from God as well. And he was trying so hard to run away from everything.

I'm trying my best to see things in his perspective. To put myself in his shoes. I really don't know what I would have done. I really don't know what I would have said, if I were him. I understand that it must have been a very difficult time for him as well. I don't blame him for what he did as well. It could have happened to anyone. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's happening all around us now, even as I type this out.

But yet, I cannot help but feel hurt. I try not to focus on it too much, choosing to concentrate on other things, but I can't. It's just too painful. I feel so used and betrayed. I feel so lost.

Where is God when it hurts ?

Peace

2005-12-02T20:35:00.000+08:00

I wonder how his mum must have felt. Hugging her son for one last time. Seeing him for the very last time. Looking into his eyes for the very last time. Knowing that she will never see him ever again. Knowing that he will no longer be around any more. I wonder what was going through her mind. It must have been a long day for her. It must have been a stressful time for her. So much for a mother to bear, that she had to be supported out of the room by two people. It's just too much for a mother to bear. So heavy her load, so heavy her heart. I wonder how his mum must have felt.

I wonder how his twin brother must have felt. Knowing that his very own brother, his flesh and blood, was about to be executed because of him. I wonder how his brother felt, knowing that it would be the last time that they could talk together, laugh together, maybe even even cry together. I wonder what was said, in the final hours of his life. Was there conversation at all ? Or was it just silence, just sitting down together. It must have been pretty hard for his twin brother. So difficult for him, that he hugged a prison personnel right after leaving.

I can only imagine what this two people must be going through right now. It must be a real difficult time for the two of them and other relatives as well. I cannot imagine the load both the mother and twin brother have to carry. The pain, the hurts, the grief caused by all of this. Indeed, it must be a very difficult time for all of them.

Don't get me wrong. What this guy did was wrong. He knew what he did was wrongful in the eyes of the law. Just because he did it, to help his twin brother pay his loan shark debts, doesn't make it any more right. It is still wrong. Two wrongs does not make a right. And so, everyone who breaks the law, deserves to be punish.

But must the punisment be so harsh ? Must he be put to death for what he did ? This has got me thinking a lot. Do any of us, including those in authority and power have the right to say who dies and who doesn't ? Do any of us have the right to determine when a person shall die, and when a person shall live ? Since when did we start to play the role of God ? Since when did life be placed into our hands ? Isn't it God that determines when we should die, and for how long we should live ? So when did we start playing God ?

I have never given much thought about capital punishment before. I don't know why I am thinking of it know. I only started to think much about it after seeing the faces of this person's mum and twin brother. Seeing what they have to go through and thinking of what must have been on their minds late last night till early this morning, made me realize that life is precious. Life is a gift from God. And no one, not even those in authority deserves the right to take away a life of another person. While watching the report on the protest held in Australia, I saw a person holding up a sign with the words "Thou shalt not KILL". And you know what ? He's absolutely right. When God gave the commandments to us, not to kill was one of them. God did not say that we would be allowed to kill someone, if that person did something wrong wheter against God Himself, or against men. Again, two wrongs does not make it any more right ! Can you imagine what would happen to all of us, if God were to kill those who sin against Him and break His laws ? All of us would be dead by now. I wouldn't be here typing this reflection out as well. God is the only one that should have the final say on wheter a person is to die, or to live. Our life is God's gift to us, and no one deserves the right to take it away from us.

I know that there are many views out there regarding this matter. Some would agree with me, others would not. This is only my viewpoint of what I think. I know that I still got a lot of thinking to do, regarding this matter. Am I saying that capital punishment is wrong ? Well, for the time being, I certainlly feel so. And it does'nt look like I'm going to change my stand any time soon.

But it the mean time, right or wrong, I really don't care at the moment (to be honest with you). I do care about one thing though, and it is this, that has been on my mind ever since watching the news. That somewhere out there, there is a mother and a twin brother grieving. They are in pain. They are hurting. The load they carry is a heavy and burdensome one. And tonight, my heart goes out to them.

From watching in the news, I understand that he was given a Christian burial, which means that the family were Christians. I am not here to judge. It is not right for any of us to do so. I am not here to evaluate if this person was a good Christian or not. Neither am I here to make a conclusion as to where is he right now. All this matters now lies in the Hands of our Maker and our Creator. All this lies in the Hands of God.

I am here to claim the words of Christ, praying tonight for his family. The words taken from the Gospel of John, as told to the disciples by Jesus,........ "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you........"

And so, to the mum, and to the twin brother, to the family and friends, I pray God's peace upon you tonight. I pray that the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God, and of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

I let one go......

2005-11-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

My dear friend.

You know who you are. I don't have to mention your name. I hope you are reading this.

To see you holding a ciggarette. To see you drinking and clubbing. To hear the kind of words that come out of your mouth. To see you this way, really kills me. Really hurts me. Really stabs me in the heart. I can only pray for your mother, who must be hurting way more than I am, and who must be feeling worse than I am now feeling.

What happened to the friend I once knew ? The one whom loved God and made God his number one priority. What happend ? I really wish you would come and talk with me. I really wish you could share with me what went wrong.

I have tried. I have tried so hard to talk to you. But you just wouldn't listen. You choose to separate yourself from God and go your own way. A life of cigarretes, drinking, clubbing. One can only wonder how far you really have gone. I pray that you have not gone deeper into the world.

Somehow I blame myself. Maybe if I had concentrated more on you and not the others. Maybe if I had been a closer friend to you. Maybe if I had spent more time with you. Maybe if I had made more phone calls or invited you out more for mamak sessions.

I feel responsible. I feel accountable. As if I just let you go out of my grip and into the world. I feel that I have lost you to the world.

But yet I still have hope. That God is in control. And that God is still the person in charge. And God, through His love, will bring you back to Him one day. I know...I know.... to you, all of this is a load of crap. It's rubbish ! It's nonsense ! BUT NOT FOR ME. You may have given up on God a long time ago, but God has never and will never give up on you. Always remember that there is a way back. There is always a way back, no matter how far you've gone, no matter how deep you've fallen. There is always a way back.

But for now, I feel sad. That a fish has jumped out of the net, and all the fisheman can do is to look at it swim away. I let one go away........

Are we too buzy ?

2005-11-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

The noise and the bustle began earlier than usual in the village. As night gave way to dawn, people were already on the streets. Vendors were positioning themselves on the corners of the most heavily traveled avenues. Storeowners were unlocking the doors to their shops. Children were awakened by the excited barking of the street dogs and the complaints of donkeys pulling carts.

The owner of the inn had awakened earlier than most in the town. After all, the inn was full, all the beds taken. Every available mat or blanket had been put to use. Soon all the customers would be stirring and there would be a lot of work to do.

One’s imagination is kindled thinking about the conversation of the innkeeper and his family at the breakfast table. Did anyone mention the arrival of the young couple the night before? Did anyone comment on the pregnancy of the girl on the donkey? Perhaps. Perhaps someone raised the subject. But, at best, it was raised, not discussed. There was nothing that novel about them. They were, possibly, one of several families turned away that night.

Besides, who had time to talk about them when there was so much excitement in the air? Augustus did the economy of Bethlehem a favor when he decreed that a census should be taken. Who could remember when such commerce had hit the village?

No, it is doubtful that anyone mentioned the couple’s arrival or wondered about the condition of the girl. They were too busy. The day was upon them. The day’s bread had to be made. The morning’s chores had to be done. There was too much to do to imagine that the impossible had occurred.

God had entered the world as a baby.

Yet, were someone to chance upon the sheep stable on the outskirts of Bethlehem that morning, what a peculiar scene they would behold.

The stable stinks like all stables do. The stench of urine, dung, and sheep reeks pungently in the air. The ground is hard, the hay scarce. Cobwebs cling to the ceiling and a mouse scurries across the dirt floor.

A more lowly place of birth could not exist.

Off to one side sit a group of shepherds. They sit silently on the floor, perhaps perplexed, perhaps in awe, no doubt in amazement. Their night watch had been interrupted by an explosion of light from heaven and a symphony of angels. God goes to those who have time to hear him—so on this cloudless night he went to simple shepherds.

Near the young mother sits the weary father. If anyone is dozing, he is. He can’t remember the last time he sat down. And now that the excitement has subsided a bit, now that Mary and the baby are comfortable, he leans against the wall of the stable and feels his eyes grow heavy. He still hasn’t figured it all out. The mystery of the event still puzzles him. But he hasn’t the energy to wrestle with the questions. What’s important is that the baby is fine and that Mary is safe. As sleep comes, he remembers the name the angel told him to use . . . Jesus. "We will call him Jesus."

Wide awake is Mary. My, how young she looks! Her head rests on the soft leather of Joseph’s saddle. The pain has been eclipsed by wonder. She looks into the face of the baby. Her son. Her Lord. His Majesty. At this point in history, the human being who best understands who God is and what he is doing is a teenage girl in a smelly stable. She can’t take her eyes off him. Somehow Mary knows she is holding God. So this is he. She remembers the words of the angel, “His kingdom will never end.”

He looks anything but a king. His face is prunish and red. His cry, though strong and healthy, is still the helpless and piercing cry of a baby. And he is absolutely dependent upon Mary for his well-being.

Majesty in the midst of the mundane. Holiness in the filth of sheep manure and sweat. Divinity entering the world on the floor of a stable, through the womb of a teenager and in the presence of a carpenter.

She touches the face of the infant-God. How long was your journey!

This baby had overlooked the universe. These rags keeping him warm were the robes of eternity. His golden throne room had been abandoned in favor of a dirty sheep pen. And worshiping angels had been replaced with kind but bewildered shepherds.

Meanwhile, the city hums. The merchants are unaware that God has visited their planet. The innkeeper would never believe that he had just sent God into the cold. And the people would scoff at anyone who told them the Messiah lay in the arms of a teenager on the outskirts of their village. They were all too busy to consider the possibility.

Those who missed His Majesty’s arrival that night missed it not because of evil acts or malice; no, they missed it because they simply weren’t looking.

Little has changed in the last two thousand years, has it?

- Max Lucado (The Arrival) -

NSCF Reflections : In Closing.....

2005-11-24T20:15:00.000+08:00

UNTO HIM BE ALL GLORY, AND HONOUR, AND POWER, AND PRAISE !

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from Heaven above
With wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God !

What else is there to say ?

NSCF Reflections : Part 4

2005-11-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

My dear brother in Christ.....

In as much as many of the officers have made an impact in all of the campers lives, it is also the campers that make an impact in the lives of the officers. And you, my dear brother, are one of them.

I can still clearly remember what happened last year. Our conversation that morning is still very fresh in my mind. It was quite time on the 4th morning, and we were sitting together under the big tree. After going through our morning devotions, you asked me a question....

"Will you be coming back again next year ?" you asked

" I really don't know. It really depends on my university schedule" to which I replied.

"You must come. If you really want to come, pray ! Ask God and tell Him you want to be here again next year" you replied back.

Deep inside, I really wanted to come. I had made it a committment to try and make it every year to NSCF. But deep inside I was also laughing. It has been such a long time I attended a full NSCF camp. The past few camps, I only spend a few days, sometimes only 2 or 3 days, due to university committments. I laughed, because I knew I would probaly not be able to make it at all, knowing very well that it would be my final year of university. And so inside of me, I laughed.

Kind to think of it, in the Bible, Abraham laughed. Sarah laughed as well. They both laughed when God told them that He was about to do the impossible. And so I found myself laughing as well. I wasn't so much laughing at you, but laughing at that thought of coming for NSCF the following year. I knew it was highly impossible. It was my final year at university, and chances of me coming for NSCF was slim.

And God did the impossible. My university re-structured the entire academic calender for the new academic year. I was given the oppurtinity to begin begin my Industrial Training early, thus giving me a short break before I went back to university. It was within this break, that the NSCF 2005 dates were set. It was as if everything fell into its place. God did the impossible.

And it was because of you, my dear brother. You were the one, that challenged me. Your words still echo in me "If you really want to come, pray !" Looking back, I guess I underestimated God at that time. To me, even prayer could not change the dates of my semester. Prayer could not change the dates of my Industrial Training. And that's why I laughed. It would have been impossible.

You proved me wrong. You showed me that God was a God of impossibility. You showed me that God was in control of everything. That if I really wanted to come for NSCF, all I needed to do was to ask. All I needed to do was to pray. And all I needed was faith, as small as a mustard seed.

So I thank you. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. Thank you for showing me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for allowing God to use you, to show someone like me, that He is the God of impossibility. Who knows, if it wasn't for you, challenging me more than a year ago, I would not have been able to make it for NSCF this year. And I would have missed out on many things and missed out on the oppurtinity of meeting God the way I encoutered Him at camp this year.

Thank you, my dear brother......

NSCF Reflections : Part 3

2005-11-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

This picture was taken one evening at the STM santuary. The light was shinning through the santuary and Ben and I decided to have some fun with the camera. This picture was among many which were taken on that day. The light, coming into the santuary, and shining down on me.

Looking at the picture again, after the camp, I find that this picture actually bears a lot of meaning. While looking at this picture, the song God Follower (by Steven Curtis Chapmen) came into mind. Interestingly, it was Ben that introduced this song to me just before camp began. I find the words of the song to be very real to me at this point of time, ever since camp ended. If I were to choose a song that would best represent the entire camp for me, this would be it.

GOD FOLLOWER

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkenss
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He's marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)

A now I journey on with the purpose and and with passion
Just like a dead man who's been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say...

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He's marked for me

And when I reach God's place
I will look into His face
And then I'll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me...
I want to be a God follower

Somehow, I know that this camp is only the beginning. God is not done with me yet. He has greater things in store for me. And doors which I never imagined could be opened for me, are now beginning to open. Things which I never expect myself to do, I find myself currently doing. At my age, I can only sit back and marvel at where God has taken me thus far. And now, I am beginning to notice that God is preparing to lead me somewhere else. Somewhere new. Into uncharted territory. And a voice calls out "Come and follow....."

NSCF Reflections : Part 2

2005-11-22T18:27:00.000+08:00

18 Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

19 And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."

21 Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

Exodus 33:18-23

I remember having such an experiance at camp. It was powerful. It was remarkable. It was special. It was something that I really cannot explain. It was so powerful, I was left speechless after that. I tried to talk, I tried to speak, but words could not come out. I was left utterly speechless.

It was Thursday night. The final message was given and there was an alter call. Many responded. Many came out to make a committment before God. Some brought with them hope, some brought with them fear, some brought with them just tears. What ever it was, each person brought something to the altar.

I never expected God to move the way He did that night. I can still remember it so clearly. As we prayed, the presence of God became stronger and stronger. God was beginning to unveil Himself and show us His glory. God was beginning to move in that place. It was remarkable. I'm sure not one person left the hall that night without meeting God face to face. It was just remarkable.

As all of this was happening and taking place, I began to feel something more. I began to feel like Isaiah. "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." (Isaiah 6:5). I felt so unworthy, so unclean, so insignificant. I felt so little and small. How could I stand in such a presence ? How could I stand before the King of Glory ? How could I stand before my God ? The experiance was simply just amazing. Indeed, a very humbling one, but also a very powerful experiance. I never ever expected myself to meet God in this way.

Over the past few days,I have been doing a lot of relfecting regarding this experiance I had at camp. I'm sure there is more than just that one day. I'm sure there is more to all of that. When people meet God face to face, things happen. Lives are changed. Forever. And in the past few days, I find myself so different. I don't know why, and I don't know how. But I know that I am changed. I am different. I see things very differently now. I see people very differently. I see circumstances differently. And I guess maybe that's what happens to people, when God reveals Himself to them. Moses was never the same again after God revealed Himself. Isaiah was never the same again. And deep inside me, I know that I will never be the same again.

In the presence of a holy God,
I bow down and I adore,
You reveal the secrets of my heart.
And I'm shaken to the core.

In the presence of a holy God,
There's new meaning now to grace,
You took all my sins upon yourself,
I can only stand amazed.

And I cry holy, holy, holy God,
How awesome is Your name,
Holy, holy holy God,
How majestic is Your reign,
And I am changed,
In the presence of a holy God

In the presence of Your infinite love,
I'm so small and frail and weak,
When I glimpse Your power and wisdom Lord,
I have no words left to speak

In the presence of Your glory,
All my crowns lie in the dust,
You are righteous in Your judgements Lord
You are faithful true, and just

Reflections on NSCF 2005

2005-11-20T14:34:00.000+08:00

There is just so much to say. There is just so much to thank God for. So much that I really do not know where to begin. The National School Christian Fellowship Leadership Camp 2005 has come to an end. If you were to ask me to describe the camp, I really wouldn't know where to begin. And if you were to ask me how the camp was, I only have one word to say.... "WOW"

I really cannot say what was so special about the camp. I really cannot say what was so different about the camp. Until now, I have yet to figure it all out. And the funny thing is that the more I try and figure it out, the more I can't seem to find an answer. I guess that this is the unique thing about how God works. When God works, He just works. There is no explanation that needs to be given. And at many times, we cannot figure out how God works. We just know that He is working.

"How am I different since after camp? How have I changed?" I asked myself. These questions and more have been in my mind since camp ended yesterday afternoon. Somehow, I know that God is working in my life. I know that I have changed and some things are different. I just don't know what it is at this moment. I guess in the days and weeks to come, I will slowly begin to find out, as I begin to enter into reality; as I begin to enter back into the world.

Somehow, I am a little scared of entering into reality. It's so dark out there. It's so cruel out there. It's so scary. Really scary. And I guess deep inside my heart, I really wish camp could have lasted just a few more days. Never mind if I was so tired out. Never mind if I had to do more work. Anything, except to go back to reality. But I guess there is no running away from it. We have to face reality sooner or later. And for me, it will be very soon. I leave back for campus tomorrow morning, as my new semester begins. I have not been back to campus since April, as I was out on my Industrial Training for 6 months. I really don't know what lies ahead. I don't know what to expect. But I do know one thing for sure. That God is with me. And that is all I need to know.

But reality is not that all bad. It really depends on how we choose to see it. Some choose to see reality in a negative way. I however, won't allow that to happen. Reality can be a good thing. After all, it is reality that allows us to put into practise what we have learned from camp. It is reality that allows us to grow closer to God and have a deeper relationship with Him. It is reality that God uses, to teach us and to allow us to grow both deeper and closer to Him. And so, if I were to see reality in this way, it would be a good thing. As scared as I am, I also look forward to entering back into reality. It's going to be an exciting time, and I look forward to it.

I also look forward to reality as there are many things which I miss so much. My friends, my ministry. People whom I really care for, so much. And so, I find myself feeling quiet excited as well. To see what God has in store for me, as I enter into this final phase of my university life. I also am looking forward to meeting my CF community once again. It's been such a long time since I last saw them and I really miss all of them so much. I can't wait for next Tuesday's CF meeting and also to meet up with my new CG. There are so many things to look forward to. To meet up with the new juniors that came to CF, to see who are my new CG members, to interact and catch up with friends. I really can't wait. So reality is really not bad at all. It's just how we want to look at it.

As I look back these past 7 days of camp, for now, I have got only one thing to say. 'THE UNFORCED RHYTHMS OF GRACE'. This phrase was constantly used by many campers throughout camp. The phrase was taken from Matthew 11:28-30 of the Message version of the Bible. The funny thing is that although this was used by many campers, not many really understood what it meant. I was one of them. The funniest part of it was that I was the one that introduced this line to the campers, during the first session. But I did not pay much attention to it. I concentrated on other parts of the passage. It was the campers that found this line to be interesting (maybe because they themselves did not know what it meant) and picked it up themselves.

Who would have known, that after 6 days of camp, this line would mean so much to me. During my reflection time on the last day of camp, I finally fully understood what this line meant. And it took the entire camp to show me this.

When I was first appointed Camp Commandant, I was rather scared. I have never lead such a big camp before, what more the NSCF. This was a very heavy responsibility given to me. Because of age, I was rather skeptical that I would do a good job. I also felt that I was not the right person to take on this job. During the time that I was appointed, I was going through certain hard times and God was dealing with certain issues in my life. I had so many questions, too many doubts. But yet, I also took it as a challenge. As I look back, it was really God's grace that got me through. It was really Him that led the Camp. He was the Chief Commandant. Not me. It was all Him. And I leave camp seeing a new and different side of God. It was at this camp, that I really got a glimpse of God. Not once, not twice, but many times. I saw Him in all of the campers. I saw the way He touched lives, I saw the way He changed lives, I saw the way He spoke to different people. More than that, I saw the way He took over the entire camp, and did it HIS way !

I feel honoured. I feel so honoured. Honoured because I never expected to meet God this way. Honoured that God would give me just a glimpse of Himself. And yet I feel that this was so undeserved. Who am I, that God should reveal Himself to me ? Who am I, that God would use me this way at camp ? Who am I ? Over the past few months, many things have happened in my life that has been slowly causing me to drift away from God. Why would God use me this way at Camp ? Why would God want to even reveal Himself to me ? I am sure there were many others who were better than me and more spiritual than me at camp.

And it was during those times of reflection, that I really understood what it meant by the ‘unforced rhythms of grace’. To different people it may mean differently. To me, God loves me so much, that no matter how far I have gone, and no matter what I have done, His grace is always there and will always be there. There is no measurement to His grace. God’s grace is so immense that He does not need to force it out of Him. It just flows out to us. He gives it to us freely. And the best part of it is that it never runs out. We don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. None of us do. But because God loves us so much, His grace just pours out unto us. And it is only because of His grace, that God uses us as His Apprentices. It is only by His grace, that God reveals Himself to us. It is only by His grace, we can be called sons and daughters of God.

“And so God. Thank You. Thank You for Your grace. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for what You have shown and revealed to me at camp. That no matter how far we have gone, and no matter what I have dove, Your love and Your grace is always there. So much so that even when I don’t ask for it, You still give it to me. May what I have learned and what I have seen at this camp, be kept forever in my heart, and never forgotten” Amen

Only by grace can we enter
Only by grace can we stand
Not by our human endeavor
But by the blood of the Lamb

Into Your presence You call us
Call us to come
Into Your presence You draw us
And now by Your grace we come

Thesis.....

2005-11-06T20:50:00.000+08:00

".....A dissertation advancing an original point of view as a result of research, especially as a requirement for an academic degree....."

Sigh...........

SEPET.....

2005-11-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Finally, after so long, I managed to watch Sepet. Have been wanting to watch it for such a long time, and finally managed to catch it on Astro this evening. I must say that it was a very good show. It was written very well. Have not laughed so much for a long time. But behind all the jokes, behind all the laugher, lies a very important hidden meaning, in which I believe many people would have figured out by now.

Living together in a multirational country can sometimes be not easy. What more having friends who are from different races and different cultures. As for me, being an Eurasian made it quiet easy for me to mingle around with people from other races. I was neither Chinese, nor Indian, nor Malay. And so I did not belong to any particular group of races. And because of this, I found it easier to mingle around and make friends with all races. But sometimes it is not easy.

There are times where people from one particular race would make fun and belittle other races. There are times whereby people from one race thinks that their race is superior over all. These things do happen. And I see this happening more and more these days.

One of the scene's which I like very much is the scene in which Jason visits his best friend at the hospital. "Why is it that people can't seem to live with each other now days ?" Keong asked Jason. If you were to listen to the dialong carefully, this particular scene contains all the 'nuggets of truth'.

This got me thinking. Why is it that people from other races can't seem to live together ? Why is it that the more modern Malaysia get's, the more futher apart we get from our friends of other races ? What is so difficult about living together ? Why is this happening ? Why is this so ?

Now I understand why there is such an urgency by the government to promote racial harmony and respect for other races. "What you suppose will happen in the future ?" Keong asked Jason. "I don't know", to which Jason replied. To be honest, I can only pray and hope that what happened many years ago will not take place ever again. People will say that of course it will never happen. I am not to sure about that. Let us never take racial hormany and respect of other races for granted. For when we start taking this for granted, things can happen, and history can repeat itself.

All this has also got me thinking. Where do we, as Christians, come into the picture, when it comes to racial hormany and integration. It saddens me sometimes, when I hear Christians of some races, belittleing other races and sometimes even making fun or other races and religions. Arn't we suppose to set an example ? Arn't we suppose to be the shining light for God ? If we really are to be God's light in this land of Malaysia, why then do many of us make fun of other races and religions ? Why do many a times, we Christians hang out together and lock other races and religions out of our community ? If Jesus, a Jew, could live togehter with the Gentiles, why can't we do the same ? Jesus Himself, set an example of what racial hormony and repect for other religions should be like. Why arn't we doing the same ?

And so it took a show like Sepet to remind me of something. Of how important it is to have friends from other races, and other religions. Over the past few years, I have been blessed with many friends who are from different races and different religions. Among them are 3 very special people to me. They are my best buddies in university. We are very close to one another, and I am really thankful to have them as friends. I count this as a true blessing from God, to have friends such as these. These friends of mine have been with me, through my ups and downs. I remember many times, especially when it comes to exam season, and there is much stress, all of us will stick together and suppport one another. And so, I am thankful to have friends like this.

Azlynn.....Nazrin....Azura.......

Thanks for being such dear friends to me. Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Friends forever......friends till the end......

Magnificent Obsession.....

2005-11-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

Thanks Ben for introducing this song to me. It's now one of the song's that top my charts.....Definitely a prayer of mine......Lord be my magnificent obsession !

MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling
like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie
me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

In the beginning.......

2005-11-01T20:56:00.000+08:00

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living." Luke 15:11-13

The story of the Prodigal Son..... A story which almost every Christian has read and heard of. A story so familiar to a lot of us. A story whereby the message is simple and clear.

But many a times, we always concentrate on one particular aspect of the story. We always concentrate on the end. Indeed, the end is an important part of this story. The end is special. The end, speaks of God's love for all of us, that is beyond imagination, that He would accept us no matter how far we have gone, and how far we have fallen.

We emphasize so much on the ending of the story, we sometimes give less importance to the beginning. Thus, we fail to see what the beginning of this beautiful story can teach us.

Ever wondered what was going through the father's mind ? Ever wondered why the father gave his son his blessing ? Ever wondered how the father must have felt, seeing his son leave ? I have.... And over the past 2 days, I have had a glimpse of what the father must have gone through.

Last Sunday, I had to make a very important decision. It was not only important, but also a very tough one. Throughout the past week, I have been thinking much, praying, talking to those closes to me, regarding this decision I was to make. I knew that this decision was a tough one, but little did I know that when I did make up my mind, it would affect me so deeply.......

Last Sunday, I choose to let one of my mentorees go..... It may sound normal, for a mentor to let his mentoree go, but for me, this was anything but normal. This guy, was one of my closes friends I had. Over the past 3 years, we have become the best of buddies. Through our ups and downs, we have always been there for each other. Never mind that he is 8 years younger then me. We were like brothers. He was like the younger brother that I have always wanted.

But over the past couple of months, he began to change. He began returning to his dark side, his past. I don't know why, but I did not see this coming. Although we were so close to each other, I did not see this coming at all. Before I knew it, he was back to his old self, and even worse than before. It was so bad that he did not seem to care any longer to what I had to say. He slowly started to move away from me.

It was throughout this time, that I felt God challenging me. It was time to let go. There was nothing left that I could have done to help him. There was nothing left that I could have said, that could have helped him. It was his choice that lead him to be where he is now. I also felt God challenging me that if I truly cared for him, and loved him as a brother, I would respect his decisions and choices, and let him go.

And so I did just that. It was not an easy decision to make. It was even harder to sit down with him, and to tell him what I had to say. Little did I know, that once I have sat down and talked to him about my decision, it would affect me more than it affected him.

I found myself going through such a hard time letting him go. I did not expect it to be so hard. The pain is unbearable. I hated myself for the decision that I made. I really hated myself. How could I just leave a 15 year old guy, whom has been so close to me, leaving him to journey alone ? How could I do such a thing ? I felt as though I was the one that betrayed him ? I felt like such a monster, I remembered telling a friend. I started to blame myself for who he is now. Maybe if I just spent a little more time with him, he would not have been like this. Maybe if I had listened more, he would have not gone back to his past. Not only was I feeling miserable now, I was also feeling responsible.

And then it dawned upon me.... The story of the Prodigal Son came to mind. How hard was it for the father, to let the son go ? How painful it must have been for the father. And it was through this, I saw something I never saw before, in this story. If I, at this moment, am hurting so much and in pain, and its so difficult to let go, how much more does God hurt, when we whom He loves so much that He would die for our sins, choose to go our own way ? How hard is it for God to see us, go far away from Him ? I loved my mentoree so much, that I had to respect his decision, even if it meant letting him make the wrong choices. How much more, does God love us, that He gives us the choice to make our own decisions ?

If it is one good thing that has come out in this situation so far, it is that God has used this situation to teach me something. I now have a greater understanding of the story of the Prodigal Son. And through this, I now see how much God really loves us. Not so much because of the ending of the story, but because of its beginning. The ending is merely a confirmation of the promise given in the beginning.....

Never underestimate the beginning of a story......

Being forgiven......

2005-10-30T19:41:00.000+08:00

I'm forgiven,
Because You were forsaken.
I'm accepted,
You were condemned.
I'm alive and well
Your Spirit lives within me,
Because You died and rose again.

It's interesting to see, how many of us cannot seem to grasp the whole concept of being forgiven. It's hard to believe at times. It's even harder to understand. A God, who came down to earth, and dwelled among men. A God, who would die for all our sins. A God, who would freely forgive us of all our sins. It's mind boggling, isnt it ?

I find it so hard to sometimes believe that God would forgive us of all our sins, everytime we ask of His forgiveness. If we ask of God's forgiveness just once or twice, that, I see no problem in. However, when we come to God asking for forgiveness, for things which we have done, in which we have already asked God for forgiveness, I find it difficult to accept that I'm forgiven.

It's difficult to understand, how God can forgive us of all our sins. It's even more difficult to understand how God can forgive us of sins which we keep on committing all the time. And I find myself trying to sometimes 'buy' forgiveness. I see many people doing the same thing, and I must admit that I too am sometimes like them. Since we cannot fathom God's forgiveness, we try to break it down into little bits and pieces, trying to at least figure it out. And what happens in the end is that we try and ' buy' our way out. Either by serving God more, or maybe by going for an extra service or two to church, or attending an extra Bible Study. Anything, in which we may be able to clear our concience. And many of us fall into that deadly trap, that forgiveness can be purchased, burgained and acquired.

But today, at my Children's Church class, I was reminded of something.... I was reminded of how easy it is to come to God, and ask of His forgiveness. I was reminded that all we need to do, is to ask. All we need to do is to come to God, and ask. Its simple as that. No extra work needs to be done, no extra deeds need to be done. The message at today's class was simple. All of us sin. Sin separates us from God. There are things in our life in which God is not pleased at. The response was overwhealming. Almost all of the 150 children responded to the Altar Call today. Most of them knelt down, some bowed down, many in tears.

And that was when it dawned upon me. These children truly know what it means to be forgiven. Many of them do not have any theological background. Many of them arn't even old enough to understand the concept of God and forgiveness. But all of them knew one thing. They sinned. Sin separates them from God. And God can take away their sins, and forgive them of all their sins.

I realize that as many of us get older, we want to try and figure more things out. We want to try and figure God out. And at many times, it leads us to no where. And it took a group of children to remind me that God cannot be figured out. There is never an end to God. All we need to know are 3 simple and basic things :

1. All of us sin.
2. Sin separates us from God.
3. God forgives us of our sins.

Full stop. That is that.No use trying to understand and figuring out what forgiveness is all about. We will never get anywhere.

Funny isn't it, how God always uses children to teach us the most obvious of things....

Amazing love,
How can it be,
That You my King
should die for me.
Amazing love,
I know it's true
It is my joy
to honour You
In all I do
I honour You

Here it is..........

2005-10-29T17:26:00.000+08:00

So here it is !!!!! I know many of you have been asking me about my blogsite. Yes ! many know that I do maintain a blog, but I also keep it personal. So after thinking about it for some time, I decided that it's high time I start opening up my life. Over the past couple of weeks, I feel God challenging me to begin to open my life to others. To begin to show people who the true Nigel really is. I guess its for the best as well. Over the past year, a lot has happened. A lot has changed. There are many times where I close myself up, and not tell anyone what I am going through. To me, I feel as though many people will not and do not understand what I am going through. Many times, I get scared, not knowing what people will say, and what people will think of me. And in time, I have learned to hide my feelings. I hide it so well, many of my friends don't even know it, when I'm going through tough and difficult times.

Indeed, I feel lonely. When times are hard, when trouble comes my way, I sometimes wish that there were people walking beside me. How I wish that all the time. But then, in my mind, I will start doubting. Will people actually bother ? What will they say ? What will they do ? Opening up my life is not an easy thing to do. There is always fear. The fear of being judged. The fear of being looked down on. The fear of being rejected. And that is why up till now, my blog has remained sealed. Only very few of my closes friends have excess to it. But like I said earlier, I think its high time for me to open up my life. At least this is what I feel God challenging me with. This blog, is a new blog. I will still be keeping my personal blog (don't go around looking for it yea ! You'll never find it....hehehe) But most of my posts will be done here, unless its truly very personal.

So for those of you who do stop by, and read.....SELAMAT DATANG..... Welcome to my world..... Welcome to my journey....... The journey on a road called life......